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Archive for February, 2011|Monthly archive page

Keyboard cat baffles Oscar audiences

In Entertainment on February 28, 2011 at 8:51 am

In the latest example of an Internet meme failing to penetrate mainstream culture, Keyboard Cat fell flat in its role as the new ‘playing off’ music during the 83rd Annual Academy Awards.

“What’s the fucking deal with the cat?,” asked Melissa Leo, winner of the best supporting actress category, dropping yet another F-bomb after the show.

A brief warning clip of Keyboard Cat appeared to TV audiences whenever a speaker went over the allotted time, followed by another brief clip a few seconds later, followed of course by the cat playing its famous tune as the speaker hurried off the stage.

“I don’t get it,” said Jake Gyllenhaal. “Is it like an Internet thing?”

Several award-winners were hit by Keyboard Cat, including Aaron Sorkin, Tom Hooper, and Natalie Portman. Christian Bale’s campaign of terror against technical staff saved him from the cat, even though he too went over on time.

“It was all James’ idea,” said Anne Hathaway, referring to her co-host James Franco’s insistence that the cat be used.

“He reads way too much Reddit.”

When reached for comment, Franco drunkenly lashed out.

“You think I want to– the cat was a great idea,” said Franco, wildly gesturing towards guests at an afterparty. “Your faces weren’t. A good idea, I mean. They weren’t.”

Franco compared attending the afterparty to Aron Ralston’s harrowing Utah canyoneering experience, and then passed out on a couch.

Oscar representatives have confirmed that Keyboard Cat and Autotune will not be returning next year. No comment was given on the Tay Zonday hosting rumors.

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Moon residents protest streaming site blockages

In Technology on February 25, 2011 at 8:48 am

Residents of Selena, the capital city of the Moon, are up in arms over blockages by major streaming content sites such as Youtube, Hulu and Netflix.

“I can’t believe I’m missing out on old episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” said Phillius Alanoia. “I haven’t even finished season two, and I hear it gets really good in three.”

The policies have been put in place to protect revenue streams, according to representatives at Netflix and Hulu.

“It costs a lot of money to put a pound of mass into space, and it’s the same with bandwith,” said Mark Smith of Hulu. “It costs us 30 dollars to beam up an episode of The Bachelor.”

“It’s just not worth it. We can’t drop 400 dollars every time some nerd wants his Naruto fix. And that’s not even addressing the issue that most of our advertisers aren’t currently selling their products on the Moon.”

Moon forums have erupted with angry posts since the blockages.

“Utter bullshit,” said one user. “Not everybody lives on the Earth. The Internet needs to get over its Earth-centric way of thinking.”

YouTube has responded to the backlash by proposing a three-year plan to launch a website at youtube.moon, which would run off of Selenian servers.

“Prices for servers on the moon are coming down every day. Three years from now, moon residents will be able to see moon cat antics on their own version of Youtube,” said a Youtube representative.

Breakup Notifier creator moves on, makes Banned App Notifier

In Startups on February 24, 2011 at 8:46 am

Yesterday Facebook banned the Breakup Notifier app, citing API concerns and then disabling app creator Dan Loewenherz’s personal account.

The Breakup Notifier creator hasn’t lost any momentum, however, and has now pivoted to create the Banned App Notifier, a service designed to let users know when an app has been unbanned.

“Lots of people are sitting and waiting to see a change in status of their favorite Facebook apps,” said Cory Allen, a former Breakup Notifier user who has gone back to daily stalking of his crush’s profile.

“Banned App Notifier is going to save me a lot of time, since I won’t have to check on Breakup Notifier’s status manually.”

The Banned App notifier keeps watch on any number of dozens of unfairly banned Facebook apps, and is free to use.

When reached for comment, Facebook engineers said the original Breakup Notifier app competed with their own internal creepy app for tracking relationship status.

“Tracking all user data is squarely in Facebook’s domain. The Breakup Notifier app treaded on our territory, so we shut them down.” said a Facebook representative.

“If the app creator wants to contest it, well, tough shit.”

Django names their 1.3 release: ‘WordPress’

In Technology on February 23, 2011 at 11:08 am

Update: WordPress has yielded and renamed their release Reinhardt, the last name of jazz musician Django Reinhardt. In response, Django has changed their release name to Automattic, the last name of WordPress.

Django announced the name of their long-awaited 1.3 update: WordPress.

The move comes on the same day, shockingly, as the niche software organization WordPress named their 3.1 release Django.

“You would think it could be confusing,” said Marie Adamski, a Django developer and contributor to the project. “Django 1.3 is called WordPress and WordPress 3.1 is called Django. But it’s not.”

The key, Adamski says, is in prevalance of the platform.

“Basically, Django is a respected framework among hackers, coders and tech entrepreneurs. Nobody has really heard of or uses this ‘WordPress’ software. We don’t think there will be any issues with the new name.”

WordPress– the software, not the Django release– is written in a comical and antiquated language called PHP, which stands for PHP: Hypertext Preprocessor. The PHP in PHP stands for “personal home page.”

“Obviously it’s not the first time that community has had trouble naming something,” said Adamski.

Jersey ShoreVille latest in string of Zynga successes

In Entertainment, Startups on February 23, 2011 at 8:50 am

Zynga launched Jersey ShoreVille earlier this week, shattering their first-day signup record with a whopping 350,000 signups.

“I guess you could say we have a situation here,” said Marc Pincus, Zynga CEO, at a press event.

Jersey Shoreville is unlike anything Zynga has produced, according to Pincus.

The muscleheaded douchebag simulator lets users live a virtual life on the Jersey shore, competing with other virtual guidos and guidettes to maintain the most shallow, useless and generally unproductive lifestyle.

Pincus had the idea for the vapid cunt simulator as he watched MTV’s hit show Jersey Shore.

“In general, I think we had the right notion with Farmville and CityVille. We got people to waste lots and lots of time.”

A problem quickly arose, however. Users were spending their virtual time doing virtually productive tasks.

“We needed people to be wasting time while they were wasting time,” said Pincus. “And so Jersey ShoreVille was born.”

The game has three important daily tasks: Gym, tanning and laundry.

“GTL is everything,” said Mark Lambert, one of the first-day signups. “You have to log in every day and do that first. Don’t even bother creeping in the clubs or on the pier if you haven’t.”

The waste of breathable air simulator features several settings in which to interact, from clubs to the beach to the T-shirt shop. Lambert is one of the top players among his circle of friends, having just attained his avatar’s first high-profile public arrest.

Players who unsuccessfully manage the game’s deeper problems, such as relationship issues and alcoholism, are awarded extra points. It also leverages actual social ties to enhance gameplay.

“I called my girlfriend a whore in the game and gained two levels,” said Lambert. “I was pretty upset when she broke up with me, until I realized it detected the breakup and gave me two more levels.”

Fake is the worst insult possible in the game, but whore is worth several thousand points.

Lambert used the breakup levels to purchase the Situation Down There upgrade which allowed his avatar to more effectively lie about its herpes infection.

“Also, now that we’re no longer together, I have more time to GTL.”

Facebook buys, moves into Harvard dormitory

In Startups on February 18, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Facebook has finalized a deal to purchase Wigglesworth Hall from Harvard University.

The tech giant plans to move its core team, including Mark Zuckerberg, into the building within the month.

“We wanted to recapture what Facebook is really about,” said Zuckerberg. “I started it out of a Harvard dorm room, so this just seems like the natural next step. Back to our roots.”

Dozens of employees are being asked to make the move across the country, under the implied threat that they’ll be left out of company matters and screwed out of ownership stake if they do not.

“When I first started Facebook, people were really excited about it. It was growing. People loved it,” said the Zuck. “They weren’t beleaguered or annoyed. I miss the good ol’ days.”

Current residents of Wigglesworth Hall will be evicted. Harvard has no other housing options available for them.

“I’m doing them a favor,” said Zuckerberg. “Maybe they’ll get like me.”

Yuri Milner pays $150k YCombinator investments by ‘making it rain’

In Startups on February 16, 2011 at 10:34 am

Aaron Harris and Josh Abrams of Tutorspree expected Yuri Milner to mail them a check.

“One night he just shows up with three strippers, four bottles of vodka and a duffel bag full of 20s,” said Harris. “He yells out, ‘Let’s do this, bitches!’ and before we know it, we’re completely smashed and dancing to really bad techno.”

Milner recently made news when he promised a $150,000 investment with very favorable terms to any company in the YCombinator program.

He did not disclose that he would ‘make it rain’ for those companies.

“It was wild,” said Abrams, “he would just throw wads of money in the air, laughing like a maniac.”

“Harmony and Chastity were great, too. The third one– I don’t remember her name– seemed bored. I think she was supposed to be for [third founder] Ryan but he wasn’t around,” said Abrams.

Milner has reportedly been on a four-day bender, working one-by-one through the dozens of companies that accepted his offer.

“I really thought I’d be depositing a check at the bank today,” said Harris, “not hung over, digging vodka-soaked twenty-dollar bills out of the couch cushions.”

Google open sources Cr-48 keylogger code

In Technology on February 14, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Google today released the source code to the Cr-48 keylogger program as part of their pledge to continue supporting open source software in spite of last week’s discontinuation of their “Don’t be evil” corporate policy.

“There’s nobody more important to us, or our plans of world domination, than the people working in the tech industry today,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt.

The program, internally codenamed Unblinking Eye, is deeply embedded into the Chrome OS. Before today’s news, nobody knew it even existed. Unblinking Eye’s purpose, according to the Google blog post, is to blackmail current and potential talent into taking job offers.

“It’s a great place to work,” said Jonathan Camp, a Googler. “Free food. Great atmosphere. Awesome people. And that’s really lucky, because I can never leave or they’ll send a few choice IM conversations to my wife.”

Several high-profile Googlers have recently defected to Facebook, which initially prompted Google to give the supposedly free laptops to employees and members of the tech community.

“Let’s be honest here, Facebook is winning the race on having the most information with which to blackmail talent,” said Schmidt. “We think Unblinking Eye, along with several other secret programs, will help us stay in that race.”

Google’s stock soared after the news hit, according to Google Stocks.

Billion-dollar homepage owner confident display resolutions will increase

In Human Interest, Startups on February 13, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Anthony Bodelli knows a good idea when he sees it, and he recently capitalized on the Million Dollar homepage idea by creating the Billion Dollar homepage.

“Yeah, Alex Tew had a great idea: A website worth a million dollars,” said Bodelli with a sheepish grin. “But you know what’s cool? A billion dollars.”

Anyone can purchase display space on the website, at just one dollar per pixel. With over 31,000 pixels on each side, Bodelli has plenty of inventory left. He’s sold just 41 pixels, all to friends and family.

Most of the pixels have gone towards spelling out the word ‘cock’.

“I had some friends beta test it for me. So far I’ve mostly had complaints about all of the scrolling required to get around the page,” said Bodelli.

The width of the homepage is about 24 times what most monitors can display.

“Technology will catch up,” said Bodelli. “It always does. It’s just a matter of time.”

God releases prayer API

In Technology on February 10, 2011 at 10:27 am

Today saw jubilation from religious devotees as God released a long-awaited prayer API.

God, speaking only through followers and not making a personal appearance, said, “We finally have a way to send prayers using today’s technology. Web apps, iPhone apps, and Android apps can now finally interface with our Lord.”

The API drew grumbles from early adopters in the tech crowd, however. Complaints of timeouts, inconsistent responses and shoddy documentation already plague the API mere hours after its release.

“I send the same prayer twice and get two different responses,” said Jason Fried of 37 Signals in response to the initial TechCrunch post. “That’s if I even get a response at all. It’s too bloated. They need to simplify.”

His comment was quickly drowned out by a flame war over which provided documentation was the true documentation.

Some developers showed excitement at the new API, such as Tropo Chief Evangelist John Higgins.

“We’re really excited to see how people will use the prayer API with Tropo,” said Higgins. “Imagine being able to call in your prayers using your cellphone. You’ll be able to do this by the end of the week.”

Higgins added, “People are going to feel pretty silly after spending all those years with their heads bowed and hands together.”