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99.6% of Congress unfamiliar with actual definition of net neutrality

In Politics and Law, Technology on March 21, 2011 at 8:29 am

A recent survey of the House and Senate found that out of 535 members of Congress, only Dennis Kucinich and Al Franken knew what the hell they were talking about when it came to network neutrality.

“You just can’t force Internet website pages to always cover both sides of an issue,” said Representative Jacob Wardell (R). “That’s un-American.”

Wardell leads the charge against net neutrality, the least popular concept in recent American political history.

“We have to torpedo this now before it spins out of control. Do you know how many small businesses this will affect? Imagine a mom-and-pop business website that has to write a paragraph about how great their competitors are,” said Representative Wardell, sweating profusely.

Representative Andrea Glensburg (D) held a different view, seemingly opposite of reality. “Net neutrality will allow corporations to stomp all over our rights on the Internet. It treads all over our freedom of speech.”

After the statement, Representative Kucinich tried to politely correct her, but was promptly drowned out by a fervent chant of “USA! USA!” which echoed throughout the chambers.

Representative Joe Franciscus (D) expressed some of the most out-there views, yelling “We’re in a proxy cyber-war with cyber-terrorists like Julian Assange and they want to just give up? Call a cease-fire? Not in my America, no thanks.”

Kucinich openly wept as Republicans introduced the ‘Internet Freedom of Speech Act,’ a bill designed to kill net neutrality once and for all, to raucous applause.

Senator Franken’s aides said he was “devastated, back on the sauce, and unavailable for comment at this time.”

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