AT&T released a press statement today announcing that they are ever closer to forging a ring of power after their purchase of T-Mobile.
“We can’t wait to have our own Ring,” said John Sauron, CEO. “It’ll be great to have all of our power concentrated into one artifact for easy wielding. No phone owner in the world will be able to avoid our ‘service,'” he said, using air quotes for the last word.
Stocks rose as word of the plan to forge a malevolent embodiment of evil hit Wall Street. AT&T representatives would not disclose exactly how close they were to the Ring’s creation, choosing to speak only in vague, dire prophecies.
Critics of the Ring plan highlighted the vulnerable nature of a singular point of power.
“You can’t just put all your eggs in one basket,” said one forum user. “I know the Ring will have its own evil sentience, but that didn’t help Apple when they lost their iPhone 4 prototype.”
Dark clouds gathered in Nashville as the fiery eye atop the AT&T building seemed to burn brighter.