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Archive for the ‘Events’ Category

Aliens exploit April Fool’s communications breakdown, invade Earth

In Events on April 1, 2011 at 7:42 am

A race of hostile space aliens destroyed major cities and enslaved much of the human population today. Earth’s governments, militaries and citizens stood united in their response to the intergalactic threat.

The response? Laughter.

The Albuquerque Journal, the largest newspaper in the United States, described the April Fool’s communications breakdown as “deeply embarrasing” in an editorial. “Our new overlords are clearly much better suited to the task of guiding humanity’s development than we ever were.”

With the Internet as one of the primary sources for news, humanity never stood a chance, according to communications expert Justin Goldsborough.

“The Internet is useless on April 1st. Not only can you not get info, but the info that’s there is unreliable. They exploi– err, boldly and bravely attacked with that in mind, and here we are,” said Goldsborough, holding up his shackled hands. An overseer promptly disintegrated him for his insolence, leaving the shackles to clatter on the ground.

The last tweet out of San Francisco, before it was turned into a transitory state of matter not yet discovered by humans.

America’s response to the attack was perhaps the stupidest, with Barack Obama reportedly replying to the initial news of the threat with the words, “Come on, Joe. Stop dicking around and get back to work.”

Vice President Biden now serves as a court jester to the aliens, a role he describes as “pretty much what I did back in DC.”

In a bit of good news, the new overlords announced that the remaining six NBA teams will still be playing in the playoffs, albeit in a new form of Gladiatorial basketball.


Jimmy Wales, Pete Cashmore endure epic staring contest

In Events, Startups on March 4, 2011 at 12:45 am

UPDATE 4: Jimmy Wales is our winner! Pete broke his stare after someone in the crowd yelled out “Google just bought Twitter!” After looking away, he flipped over a table and stomped out of the room. Wales attributes his win to hours of posing for the Wikipedia banners. “Well, that and I have a kid, so some smells just don’t bother me anymore.”

UPDATE 3: A singular tear rolled down Wales’ face as the contest entered its third hour. Commentators are convinced this is an advanced technique, lulling the Mashable founder into a false sense of security. Event managers have cleaned up the mess left by Cashmore.

UPDATE 2: Measurements have just been taken, and the two founders do indeed seem to be moving closer to each other at a rate of about 2 inches every 15 minutes, although neither has appeared to have taken a step. Pete Cashmore seems completely unfazed by Jimmy’s loud, throat-clearing noises.

UPDATE 1: Cashmore just peed! We are in it for the long haul! Spectators seem split on whether it was a distractionary technique, or if he just needed to go. Wales got visibly angry after the move, but has yet to break his stare.


Wikipedia’s Jimmy Wales and Mashable’s Pete Cashmore have stumbled into each other at a local SF tech meetup. After some idle chit-chat, they locked eyes and have apparently started a staring competition.

More details as they come.

Promotional Snickers commercial falls flat at StartUPP 2011

In Events on February 8, 2011 at 10:56 pm

A promotional commercial specifically made for StartUPP, an invitation-only event for high-profile startup founders, left a StartUPP keynote audience confused this weekend.

The commercial, which featured divas Mariah Carey and Beyonce, portrays a member of a group of men as a diva until he eats a Snickers bar. The featured group, however, consisted of high-profile startup founders and there was no observable change in behavior before or after the Snickers bar was eaten.

“I can’t believe it bombed,” said Mark Canton, advertising director. “We had planned to run this commercial over the next year or so in the Bay Area. We spent big bucks on it.”

After the commercial screened, it was met with a mixture of polite applause and forced laughter.

One founder in attendance was heard saying, “First the Wi-Fi goes down for fifteen minutes and now I’m subjected to advertising? I can’t believe I’m being treated this way.”