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Congress slips SOPA into law while Internet blacked out

In Politics and Law, Technology on January 18, 2012 at 6:56 pm

The Stop Online Piracy Act passed through Congress today with alarming speed and an even more alarming majority vote of 94%.

“I’m really glad we could all pull together and do this,” said Senator Al Franken, one of the bill’s co-sponsors. “People say it’s partisan politics holding us back from progress, but it turns out it was really the Internet all along.”

The vote happened while most of the Internet was blacked out in protest, ironically temporarily disabling all opposition to the bill.

Alexis Ohanian of Reddit, one of the largest blacked out sites, had this to say: “It’s really ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓ ▓ ▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓. Why would we ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓ ▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓ ▓▓▓▓?”

▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓ ▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓ ▓▓▓▓ ▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓ ▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓ ▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓.

After his appearance on Al-Jazeera, Ohanian has been held indefinitely on ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ties with terrorist groups.

“In the end, SOPA is a danger to ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓,” said ▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓.

Founder Daily’s editors have decided to take a stand on the issue, first by ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓ ▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓ and then following up with a staunch ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓. We encourage you to ▓▓▓▓ us in this ▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓ ▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓.


FBI poker domain seizures draw heavy criticism from graphic designers

In Politics and Law on April 15, 2011 at 5:18 pm

FBI domain seizures hit a handful of popular poker sites today, including,, and

The move was met with outrage from, of all possible parties, graphic designers.

The FBI has seized thousands of computers with Photoshop installed, and this is the best they could come up with.

“Really?” asked Amy Howitz. “A full-page jpeg with text on it? That’s what they put up when they seize a domain?”

Howitz found herself especially infuriated by the blurry Department of Justice logo and the unnecessarily large file size.

“It’s an embarrassment to every citizen of the United States. Every move like this affects not just how the world sees us, but how the world does business with us. Are we really going to stand by while a blurry Department of Justice ruins America?”

Some, it seemed, were entirely willing to stand by.

“Who cares?” asked Mike Mornsby, a programmer from San Francisco. “They’re only going after porn and gambling. As long as you’re not one of the bad guys, you’ll be fine.”

Tech startups race to replace failing federal government

In Politics and Law on April 8, 2011 at 2:14 pm

What’s extremely large, has thousands of things moving across it every second and requires extraordinary funding and engineering efforts to function daily to the benefit of almost every American?

If you answered “our road system,” then you were right. If you answered “Google,” you were also right.

That might be why Google is making a move to take over the management of America’s roads. “Well, we already know where all of the roads are,” said Larry Page, “thanks to Google Maps.”

Knowing is half the battle, according to Page. The other half is advertising.

“You think we’ve been building robot cars for fun?” asked Page. “No, we just want people free to look at our new AdSense billboards.”

The Capitol now houses thousands of servers.

With no means of enforcement due to the impending shutdown, most of the nation’s infrastructure is up for grabs. Youtube has moved into the former FCC offices. AirBnB is putting rooms in the White House on the service at incredible rates. Apple is already producing aluminum unibody tanks and fighter craft for the military, which they now run.

“Before, we couldn’t have passport photos that update everyday,” said Brian Pokorny of Daily Booth. “Now we can do that, because Daily Booth is running the Bureau of Consular Affairs.”

A proposal to move the capital to San Francisco passed the new Senate (dubbed, a loose consortium of tech CEOs. Using prediction algorithms and preset voting preferences, it passed in a record-breaking 14 seconds.

99.6% of Congress unfamiliar with actual definition of net neutrality

In Politics and Law, Technology on March 21, 2011 at 8:29 am

A recent survey of the House and Senate found that out of 535 members of Congress, only Dennis Kucinich and Al Franken knew what the hell they were talking about when it came to network neutrality.

“You just can’t force Internet website pages to always cover both sides of an issue,” said Representative Jacob Wardell (R). “That’s un-American.”

Wardell leads the charge against net neutrality, the least popular concept in recent American political history.

“We have to torpedo this now before it spins out of control. Do you know how many small businesses this will affect? Imagine a mom-and-pop business website that has to write a paragraph about how great their competitors are,” said Representative Wardell, sweating profusely.

Representative Andrea Glensburg (D) held a different view, seemingly opposite of reality. “Net neutrality will allow corporations to stomp all over our rights on the Internet. It treads all over our freedom of speech.”

After the statement, Representative Kucinich tried to politely correct her, but was promptly drowned out by a fervent chant of “USA! USA!” which echoed throughout the chambers.

Representative Joe Franciscus (D) expressed some of the most out-there views, yelling “We’re in a proxy cyber-war with cyber-terrorists like Julian Assange and they want to just give up? Call a cease-fire? Not in my America, no thanks.”

Kucinich openly wept as Republicans introduced the ‘Internet Freedom of Speech Act,’ a bill designed to kill net neutrality once and for all, to raucous applause.

Senator Franken’s aides said he was “devastated, back on the sauce, and unavailable for comment at this time.”

San Francisco passes law banning 1984-themed commercials

In Politics and Law on February 9, 2011 at 5:03 am

Fresh off their defeat of McDonald’s Happy Meals, San Francisco today banned commercials which in any way depict or refer to George Orwell’s landmark science fiction novel 1984.

“Frankly, we expect better advertising from the tech industry. This gimmick was tired twenty years ago,” said San Francisco Mayor Edwin Lee at a press conference via satellite.

Lee was unable to physically attend the conference for undisclosed reasons, and so his imposing image was displayed on a large screen before gathered reporters. He did not take questions.

The controversial move presumably comes in response to the Motorola Xoom Super Bowl commercial, which failed to use the gimmick effectively against Apple, who had originally failed to use the gimmick effectively back in 1984.